A Guide To Living Things That Will Kill You is a book by Timon Batrok.


Grabbit: I will begin this guide with a short examination of the seemingly harmless grabbit. My cousin had a pet grabbit once, and contrary to legend, it didn't steal shards and hoard treasure. My cousin liked to dress it up like a baby and coo at it, and when I expressed my concern, she said the grabbit liked it. Maybe. Or maybe it just put up with my cousin because it hoped she'd die soon and it could have a nice dinner.

Wolven: Imagine gnashing teeth coming at you over and over again in quick succession. You raise your weapon to defend yourself but another beast has come at you from behind. The pack closes in, and you pray to the Shapers that your javelin has cooled down enough to fly up out of the nightmare. But they’re everywhere. Wolven… wolven in the dark.

Wyvern: There are things that will kill you for food or self-defense. Then there's these elemental terrors, that will kill you to appease their own malicious sense of humor. Not only will they rain fire from above, but they will sneak up behind you and then rain fire from above. Luckily, you can listen for their distinctive shriek and take cover. If you can find cover. What if you don't have cover? What if you're alone with no hope of rescue? My professional advice is: just stay home in the first place. There are many better things to do.

Stinging Gulch: Of course not everything beyond the wall will kill you. Some of the birds are quite friendly. I was watching a flock of indigoes when I wandered into the Hollows, completely missing the huge insect colonies. The insects swarmed and damaged my javelin. It was pure luck that I wasn't eaten by wolven right there! Which brings me to the point of this guide: while not everything is trying to kill you, it may get you killed anyway. Stay home.

Night Vine: This plant looks like everything you want to find in the wild. Beautiful, graceful, swaying before you, offering a gentle, comforting light in the darkness. Do not be fooled. Do not go closer. Do not stand below it. It's hiding a razor-like tongue that will cut you to shreds, leaving you in ribbons on the ground to be absorbed later. Like my mother on holidays, it will not hesitate to give you a lashing.

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